Being a perfectionist comes with many struggles. One of them being the constant self questioning of any aspect of his or her life being “good enough.”
I headed over to good ol’ Wikipedia (why not, right?) to check out the definition of perfectionism and it is described as a psychological disorder….
Yikes. Eerily similar to what goes on in my brain on a daily basis.
The end of the intro paragraph hit me pretty hard:
This has definitely happened to me.
An online dictionary definition for perfectionism doesn’t make it sound much better…
Sounds all too familiar…hmmm…
I set out on a post to pump myself (and you guys) up. To remind ourselves that “we are good enough!” but I am baffled by how closely this perfectionism thing is linked to my own personality. Oops.
Now I have all of these questions.
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Could my “unrealistic goals” be the cause for many moments of unhappiness? A cause for periods of depression?
Possibly.
Thinking about it….
I notice this in relationships.
(My parents are super supportive now, by the way, but growing up I really did feel like I couldn’t do anything well enough….possibly due to my perfectionist tendencies though?)
I notice this in my new (temporary) role as house-wife. (House-girlfriend?)
I notice this in a sense of failure in my job search. (The search has now been going on a whole week-and-a-half.)
I notice this in my attempt at even beginning an article (with guaranteed pay) for another blog because I‘m simply too scared to pick a topic that isn’t just right.
I notice this lately in blogging. If it’s not one area of the blog…it’s another. From the amount of pageviews I receive, the number of social media followers I obsess over, the (lack of) money I make blogging, and those posts that receive no comments…it’s always something.
Never mind the wonderful opportunities I have been blessed with through blogging (such as getting to work with Justin’s company or meeting uh-MAZING friends), my personality type tends to focus on the negative. Even when I improve, it’s like I always need to do better.
And for some reason, no matter how many times I edit, re-edit, and fix a post, it is never good enough.
But how can it be fixed? Through positive pep-talks? Exercise? Through inspirational reading? Being with loved ones?
Maybe. Sometimes those methods work.
I can’t help but wonder now if I should be working on these things with a professional. I mean that article was just too dead on…and psychological disorders are no joke. And it sure seemed to help Heather who has written a few truly beautiful posts since seeking help from a professional.
I’ve seen a counselor before in my adult life (twice–meaning two sessions) and a therapist (thrice) but honestly I never felt like they cared about me as a person. The last session I had with the therapist, whom I had put a good amount of time into selecting, ended on a rather sour note and was incredibly frustrating. I never rescheduled with either of these women and they NEVER contacted me to see if I was okay.
Something about that disturbed me…I mean what if I had done something drastic? Right?
The truth is, I have a hard time believing anything or anyone can rewire the way our brain works (aside from medication…and that stuff scares me). I just don’t get it. I mean I feel like I have all of the information I need to feel better or to change my outlook, so why do I slip into those depressions?
Why can’t I just talk myself out of feeling bad?
Can’t I just put a smile on my face and have a good day?
All I gotta do is look in the mirror and tell myself “I love you,” right?
Why do I need someone else to tell me what I already know?
There’s also the thought that I just need to pray. I just need to pray and read my bible and it will all get better. I mean this has worked before and it is definitely stressed in the Christian community…sometimes to a flaw.
I’m not saying that God can’t help. Obviously if I believe in a creator who made me and everything in existence, I better believe that He is big enough to do anything. Especially fix my silly little problems.
But, sometimes there’s something deeper. Sometimes it’s not about positive thinking. Or putting a smile on your face. Or turning to your faith. Sometimes ya just need a little more help…right? Something to think about.
Aaand what was supposed to be a motivational, uplifting post has turned into a downer. Dangit. Dare I post something this depressing? Will all of my followers leave me?? Gah! This stuff is never-ending! Especially since this was the second anxiety-ridden post this week!
Maybe this will help save the day?
Maybe I just need to sit on the couch with a bowl of delicious cereal + nuts + chocolate and watch You’ve Got Mail (again).
Yep, that’s it. Problem solved. Have a lovely evening folks. 😉
What do you think? Is this just a normal ramble from a writer plagued with procrastination/writer’s block?
Or maybe I’ve just been trapped alone in my apartment for too long?
Do I just need to pick myself up and write the dang article? Yeah that’s probably it.
Hey, sweet girl! So I’ve been following your blog for roughly nine months or so, and I absolutely love reading all that you have to say! You are so personal and genuine, and so bold on your faith.
it is certainly appreciated and refreshing! I can completely relate with the struggles you mentioned here, and I know how frustrating it can be! While perfectionism can be such a hard thing to deal with, I admire your honesty and your ability to push yourself to do your best. I really hope that things make a turn for the better!
Thank you so much Reagan! It’s not so bad everyday…just those days that I think about it too much!
Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I really really appreciate your support and kind words!
Hey, sweet girl! So I’ve been following your blog for roughly nine months or so, and I absolutely love reading all that you have to say! You are so personal and genuine, and so bold on your faith.
it is certainly appreciated and refreshing! I can completely relate with the struggles you mentioned here, and I know how frustrating it can be! While perfectionism can be such a hard thing to deal with, I admire your honesty and your ability to push yourself to do your best. I really hope that things make a turn for the better!
I flipping love you friend! Honestly, as a perfectionist myself, I can relate in so many ways. It’s healthy to strive for more but not to a point that you’re constantly tearing yourself down – you’re an amazing person, remember that! And seriously, don’t tear yourself down over a week and a half of job hunting, I’ve been working on my comeback since FEBRUARY! Hang in there, you’re meant for amazing things!
I love you too girl! So thankful someone can relate! Thank you so much for the encouragement. I think sometimes I also get bogged down by what others must think “oh this poor girl hanging out all day with no job living the life” when it’s not quite like that…ya know?
When I didn’t have a job after first moving to Austin, everyone said it was “unemployment,” and I thought, “Hell, no it isn’t! I need a project! I need a purpose!” So I get it. :
You’re comeback is….coming? 😉
Not that you ever went anywhere. Not really. But you know what I mean.
I flipping love you friend! Honestly, as a perfectionist myself, I can relate in so many ways. It’s healthy to strive for more but not to a point that you’re constantly tearing yourself down – you’re an amazing person, remember that! And seriously, don’t tear yourself down over a week and a half of job hunting, I’ve been working on my comeback since FEBRUARY! Hang in there, you’re meant for amazing things!
Remember that you just moved to a new city, moved in with your significant other (exciting, sure, but yes, another stressor), AND you are job hunting. Those are major life events that most people seem to go through one at a time. Yours is the perfect storm. When I went through the exact same thing (my move to CA), I felt the same as you. I even had night terrors I was so stressed and out of my comfort zone. But I kept keeping on. I reminded myself that “This too shall pass” and you know what? It did and it will for you too.
Job hunting can be one of the most humbling and stressful experiences. Sure, it seems like you get to “live the life” staying at home all day, but if you are a perfectionist, it can be a living hell to not know what is next.
My suggestion to you is to take some time for yourself. Pick a “feel good” book (I know of some) and head to the bike at the gym and just read and ride. I remember on some of my most frustrating and low days during my job hunt, where I just allowed myself some me-time to get lost in a book and clear my head. It did wonders.
<3
I seriously love that you totally get this situation! Like I told Katie and as you mentioned…I do worry about what people think of my life right now..like I’m being lazy and “living the life.” It wasn’t too bad at first because I was crazy busy unpacking and getting our lives set up, and a lot of days I’m so busy with day-to-day things it’s not so bad…but then there are nights when I can’t sleep because I worry about if I will find a good job, like you said! You totally get it and it’s so comforting to know that there are at least a couple of people not judging me, you know?
I also do need to do the “me time” thing and I’ve been pretty good with going for walks which do help A LOT!
Thank you for commenting again on one of my stressed out posts!! <3
Remember that you just moved to a new city, moved in with your significant other (exciting, sure, but yes, another stressor), AND you are job hunting. Those are major life events that most people seem to go through one at a time. Yours is the perfect storm. When I went through the exact same thing (my move to CA), I felt the same as you. I even had night terrors I was so stressed and out of my comfort zone. But I kept keeping on. I reminded myself that “This too shall pass” and you know what? It did and it will for you too.
Job hunting can be one of the most humbling and stressful experiences. Sure, it seems like you get to “live the life” staying at home all day, but if you are a perfectionist, it can be a living hell to not know what is next.
My suggestion to you is to take some time for yourself. Pick a “feel good” book (I know of some) and head to the bike at the gym and just read and ride. I remember on some of my most frustrating and low days during my job hunt, where I just allowed myself some me-time to get lost in a book and clear my head. It did wonders.
<3
I know how you feel.
Also, RE: Therapists — I don’t think it’s part of the job to call and check up on you. I know that most places it’s a policy to call if you haven’t been going to your appointments, but if you’ve not established a relationship or a therapy regimen, then it’s not likely they’d call.
Also, I don’t think the goal of therapy is to rewire how you work. In fact, the good therapists/counselors I’ve worked with have given me exercises and tools to help me better understand myself and how my brain works, so I can work with my strengths, and not against them.
Speaking of strengths … this time (being unemployed/not in school) could be a good time to try taking the StrengthsFinders assessment to see what your strengths really are and see how they can play into what you’re trying to accomplish. 🙂
And finally, you’ve had a lot of major life events happen at once. Take a chill pill! I know you want everything to be perfect right now, but it will be — soon. You probably aren’t going to have a chance to have little responsibility again after this brief period, so do your job search — but ENJOY the time that you have right now. It will all work out. I promise!
That’s a great idea to do the strengths finders test!
I really just think I have a negative attitude going into therapy so that probably doesn’t help. I feel like I know what I’m supposed to do, but actually doing it is the hard part. Like I know I should be enjoying this time and I am sometimes, but mostly I’m just putting a lot of pressure on myself to be productive every single day to make up for the fact that I don’t have actual income.
I wish I had chill pills. Do you know where I could find one? 😉
Haha. RE: Chill pills — valerian root is nice for muscle relaxation and helps me naturally reduce my anxiety.
If you want to feel productive every day, maybe you should set some different goals? Maybe you turn some of your “housewife” duties into goals so you feel productive? I can’t remember if you’re a list person, but it always helps me to make a list of things to do and to include things that I will probably do anyway (take the dog out, take the trash out, etc.) so I feel more accomplished at the end of the day when I’ve checked things off.
Oh also, re: negative attitude. Yes — definitely go in with an open mind. Remember they are just there to be sounding boards, not to fix or change you.
Oh yeah I’m a HUGE list maker. I even have to-do lists when I’m out of town like today haha
<3
I know how you feel.
Thank you so much Reagan! It’s not so bad everyday…just those days that I think about it too much!
Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I really really appreciate your support and kind words!
I love you too girl! So thankful someone can relate! Thank you so much for the encouragement. I think sometimes I also get bogged down by what others must think “oh this poor girl hanging out all day with no job living the life” when it’s not quite like that…ya know?
Also, RE: Therapists — I don’t think it’s part of the job to call and check up on you. I know that most places it’s a policy to call if you haven’t been going to your appointments, but if you’ve not established a relationship or a therapy regimen, then it’s not likely they’d call.
Also, I don’t think the goal of therapy is to rewire how you work. In fact, the good therapists/counselors I’ve worked with have given me exercises and tools to help me better understand myself and how my brain works, so I can work with my strengths, and not against them.
Speaking of strengths … this time (being unemployed/not in school) could be a good time to try taking the StrengthsFinders assessment to see what your strengths really are and see how they can play into what you’re trying to accomplish. 🙂
And finally, you’ve had a lot of major life events happen at once. Take a chill pill! I know you want everything to be perfect right now, but it will be — soon. You probably aren’t going to have a chance to have little responsibility again after this brief period, so do your job search — but ENJOY the time that you have right now. It will all work out. I promise!
I seriously love that you totally get this situation! Like I told Katie and as you mentioned…I do worry about what people think of my life right now..like I’m being lazy and “living the life.” It wasn’t too bad at first because I was crazy busy unpacking and getting our lives set up, and a lot of days I’m so busy with day-to-day things it’s not so bad…but then there are nights when I can’t sleep because I worry about if I will find a good job, like you said! You totally get it and it’s so comforting to know that there are at least a couple of people not judging me, you know?
I also do need to do the “me time” thing and I’ve been pretty good with going for walks which do help A LOT!
Thank you for commenting again on one of my stressed out posts!! <3
<3
I’m sorry you are feeling like this! I had a rough spot in my life when I was younger – possibly close to your age. I was unemployed for almost a YEAR and living with my grandma because I couldn’t stand to live with my parents any longer. Any how the perfect job found me! then everything else got better all at once. You can do this!!
Oh goodness a year sounds awful! Thanks for reminding me it won’t be forever though and that there is light at the end of the tunnel! 🙂
I’m sorry you are feeling like this! I had a rough spot in my life when I was younger – possibly close to your age. I was unemployed for almost a YEAR and living with my grandma because I couldn’t stand to live with my parents any longer. Any how the perfect job found me! then everything else got better all at once. You can do this!!
Oh goodness a year sounds awful! Thanks for reminding me it won’t be forever though and that there is light at the end of the tunnel! 🙂
Oh girl. I remember ages ago you wrote a post to your imaginary roommate, where you talked about sometimes going into deeper, darker moods. (You wrote it much more eloquently than that.) I knew with that entire post–but that part especially–that you an I have a lot more in common in the way our brains are wired than I ever knew.
Can we talk about last night how I finally broke down in tears about the nervousness I have about moving–yet again?
I won’t sit here and tell you that all you have to do is just get out of the house–although that helps–but I WOULD recommend going to talk to a counselor. I only went for 4-5 sessions this fall, but I swear it made all the difference. There are so many issues I have that we didn’t even touch on, but she was able to help me learn that I don’t always have to be in control, and that my expectations are much different than everyone else’s. It’s also nice just to talk for an hour to someone who is relatively removed from your situation. A new perspective—or talking your own way into one–is amazing.
OK, not to write a novel, but I also found it incredibly helpful to step away from the blog. This world is full of social comparison that is so detrimental if we’re already in a state where we feel inadequate. [This was a theme in my latest health behaviors paper.]
E-mail me any time, m’dear. I’m here for you in our mutual states of uncertainty.
It’s crazy because it feels like blogging helps but on the other hand…yeah there’s that comparison trap. And that feeling that people are judging me thinking that now I have all this time to post on my blog because I’m sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day. So I get super stressed and write somewhat exaggerated posts to prove I’m not just sitting around doing nothing.
I definitely need to look into therapy though. And get over my preconceived notions of therapy.
Love you and your novel comments! <3
Also I just re-read the beginning of this comment…it was to my real roommate I was moving in with haha not imaginary. Literally warning her about things…like “dark moments.” 😉
So sorry you broke down about moving again. It’s scary and unpredictable and sometimes a little lonely, but you can get through it!
Oh girl. I remember ages ago you wrote a post to your imaginary roommate, where you talked about sometimes going into deeper, darker moods. (You wrote it much more eloquently than that.) I knew with that entire post–but that part especially–that you an I have a lot more in common in the way our brains are wired than I ever knew.
Can we talk about last night how I finally broke down in tears about the nervousness I have about moving–yet again?
I won’t sit here and tell you that all you have to do is just get out of the house–although that helps–but I WOULD recommend going to talk to a counselor. I only went for 4-5 sessions this fall, but I swear it made all the difference. There are so many issues I have that we didn’t even touch on, but she was able to help me learn that I don’t always have to be in control, and that my expectations are much different than everyone else’s. It’s also nice just to talk for an hour to someone who is relatively removed from your situation. A new perspective—or talking your own way into one–is amazing.
OK, not to write a novel, but I also found it incredibly helpful to step away from the blog. This world is full of social comparison that is so detrimental if we’re already in a state where we feel inadequate. [This was a theme in my latest health behaviors paper.]
E-mail me any time, m’dear. I’m here for you in our mutual states of uncertainty.
When I didn’t have a job after first moving to Austin, everyone said it was “unemployment,” and I thought, “Hell, no it isn’t! I need a project! I need a purpose!” So I get it. :
You’re comeback is….coming? 😉
Not that you ever went anywhere. Not really. But you know what I mean.
It’s crazy because it feels like blogging helps but on the other hand…yeah there’s that comparison trap. And that feeling that people are judging me thinking that now I have all this time to post on my blog because I’m sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day. So I get super stressed and write somewhat exaggerated posts to prove I’m not just sitting around doing nothing.
I definitely need to look into therapy though. And get over my preconceived notions of therapy.
Love you and your novel comments! <3
That’s a great idea to do the strengths finders test!
I really just think I have a negative attitude going into therapy so that probably doesn’t help. I feel like I know what I’m supposed to do, but actually doing it is the hard part. Like I know I should be enjoying this time and I am sometimes, but mostly I’m just putting a lot of pressure on myself to be productive every single day to make up for the fact that I don’t have actual income.
I wish I had chill pills. Do you know where I could find one? 😉
Haha. RE: Chill pills — valerian root is nice for muscle relaxation and helps me naturally reduce my anxiety.
If you want to feel productive every day, maybe you should set some different goals? Maybe you turn some of your “housewife” duties into goals so you feel productive? I can’t remember if you’re a list person, but it always helps me to make a list of things to do and to include things that I will probably do anyway (take the dog out, take the trash out, etc.) so I feel more accomplished at the end of the day when I’ve checked things off.
Oh also, re: negative attitude. Yes — definitely go in with an open mind. Remember they are just there to be sounding boards, not to fix or change you.
Oh yeah I’m a HUGE list maker. I even have to-do lists when I’m out of town like today haha
Also I just re-read the beginning of this comment…it was to my real roommate I was moving in with haha not imaginary. Literally warning her about things…like “dark moments.” 😉
So sorry you broke down about moving again. It’s scary and unpredictable and sometimes a little lonely, but you can get through it!