I am now living with my adorable boyfriend, Dave. While I’ve already written a post about my reasons/thoughts on this, I have still been faced with opposition, in particular, from Christians. Who believe they know what’s right for us. And that we don’t.
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Early warning: these are MY opinions and feelings. Some of this may offend you. That is not the point, I am simply sharing my thoughts. Please be courteous in your comments. I’ve not yet had to delete a comment on this blog, but I will if it is disrespectful. Also I’m usually long-winded in these types of post. 😉
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Yes, the church looks down on the opposite sex living with each other without a marriage certificate. They teach against it, in fact, saying that scripture backs them up. Frankly, this subject is talked about A LOT in the church. So is the subject of premarital sex.
In my experience, however, I hear from a whole lot of hypocrites.
Preaching against premarital sex is often from those who DID have premarital sex. Since he or she is now married and no longer partaking in that “sin,” they believe they have the right to shame those who are or might be involved in it. They couldn’t control themselves, but are expecting others to do the same.
I understand cautioning it, but the shame that we are made to feel even thinking about it, or even living with the other person can be pretty rough in the church setting.
When you move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend…people make a whole lot of assumptions that may not even be true.
This particular move is therefore viewed as a terrible thing by a majority of the Christian community.
Even if the reason you are doing this is because you take marriage very seriously and want to be sure before you commit.
(I almost hesitate to explain myself or even say that our intentions are to get married because I wish people would just accept that we love each other and are living together rather than living 6 hours apart or paying for two separate apartments just to make others happy. But it’s something that should be discussed.)
Obviously being a Christian (or my definition of a Christian) making the decision to move in with Dave before we were married, I had to do some wrestling.
With what I had been taught.
What society teaches.
What our parents think.
And what I truly believed.
It was not easy.
Of course we don’t want to let God down. Who would want to go against what the Creator of the world wants for them? But what does He want for us? How do we really know?
The thing is, the bible was created a really long time ago. Marriage was totally different. Women had to find someone to marry to take care of them financially. Men wanted to ensure their family line didn’t die out.
Let’s get real…we don’t necessarily have those same problems today.
Sex before marriage, even if it was rape, meant the man had to marry the woman (when it was found out) otherwise the woman would get in trouble. I very clearly remember going through these verses about “marriage violation” in bible study and shuddering. Even if the woman was raped, she was forced to marry this man unless the father was wealthy because no other man would take her. Should we still go by this today? (Deuteronomy 22:13-30)
Rape is now considered a terrible thing, right? Although I don’t believe rapists get the justice they deserve (that’s a whole different story), it’s against the law. Women are NOT forced to marry the man who rapes them today and I’ve never heard a church teach this here in America. I did read an article while I was researching this topic that gave some clarity to the verses about rapist marrying the victim, but this still doesn’t make me any less squeamish when thinking about applying all of these principles to life today. (Seriously, read the whole group of verses.)
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It just isn’t realistic. If that part doesn’t hold true…what else is now subjective? (Also read further up in Deuteronomy 22…you are supposed to attach tassels to all 4 corners of your garment…I mean really.)
Things like this just make me question what I’ve been taught. At my most recent church I was taught to look to the bible and seek things on my own…that’s good!! But I also never really felt like I could have my own opinion on any of the subjects.
I think for the most part, the churches I’ve gone to have gotten it “right.” Like the part where Jesus sums everything up and tells us to love our neighbors because that is the most important thing of all. LOVE. (Romans 13:9) (Mark 12:31) (Galatians 5:14)
Or the “golden rule.” I remember learning this as a little girl at our Lutheran Church, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Luke 6:31)
Good stuff, right?
But we have to face the fact that there are areas of the bible that may not fully apply today.
Want another example? Did you have trouble managing your slave who committed a crime today? No? Don’t own slaves? Exactly. Those parts of the bible do not apply to us now.
I won’t claim to know the right thing to do in relationships, I am flawed to say the least. But I don’t think that we should be shamed for doing something we believe is right for us. Logically and emotionally right. You can’t really help but be close to the person that you love. It’s just the way it is.
And frankly, I don’t see anything in the bible forbidding a committed couple living together.
I said at the end of Monday’s post that I was sure I’m where I’m supposed to be. That is mostly true. It does feel right. I am happy to be with Dave. BUT Since God hasn’t given me any advice in writing (aside from the bible), I won’t ever truly know if the decisions I’m making are “right” until I see Him face to face. (Oh how much I want to ask HIM!!) I can only use my logic, guidance from the holy spirit (or what some call a conscience or the still small voice) and pray I’m doing the right thing.
I can only be very sure, not positive. And I am very sure about my decision.
More next week on a blog post I found about relationships..then more the next week on a blog I found through that blog post. Don’t you love the internet?
Much love,
Alright folks, what do you think?
You can always e-mail me comments as well, but I encourage you to kindly speak your mind!
My husband and I lived together before we got married, as did quite a few of our friends. Of course, we have plenty of friends that waited until they got married, too. We were engaged when we moved in together so I kind of justified it that way – although my dad wasn’t too pleased!
I’ll just state the obvious here – even if a couple isn’t living together, in this day and age, they are likely sleeping together. So it’s sort of a facade that we put on.
And, as a fellow Christian, you know what I hate more than anything? Other judgmental Christians. Every one of us is a sinner. Let’s spend less time worrying about other’s sins and more time focusing on our own imperfections.
I really do dislike fakeness in the church. There’s a statistic out there that 90 percent of people sleep together before marriage and 80 percent of Christians ADMIT to it! Why does everyone have to pretend like it’s not happening? I know there’s the opposite spectrum where people choose to sleep all around and don’t value that kind of relationship…but I don’t think talking about it and being honest will make it any worse!
Thanks for your comment! Love the name “running peanut” 🙂
My husband and I lived together before we got married, as did quite a few of our friends. Of course, we have plenty of friends that waited until they got married, too. We were engaged when we moved in together so I kind of justified it that way – although my dad wasn’t too pleased!
I’ll just state the obvious here – even if a couple isn’t living together, in this day and age, they are likely sleeping together. So it’s sort of a facade that we put on.
And, as a fellow Christian, you know what I hate more than anything? Other judgmental Christians. Every one of us is a sinner. Let’s spend less time worrying about other’s sins and more time focusing on our own imperfections.
Girl do you thing! I stopped being religious a long time ago because in the name of religion so many innocent people die everyday.. and that is not right particularly innocent children. As a child of war myself, I know too well of the suffering. As long as you are not breaking the law lol and the purpose of our major is to be accepting of others choices and to inspire others to live a healthy lifestyle that includes to participate in safe sex with their significant other.. and sex is natural .. so I do not get what is the big deal today. People seriously have too much time on their hands. More power to you!!!!!!!!!! <3
I do agree that certain religion or overzealous religion can harm others and even start wars. It really is SO SAD!
Thanks for the comment, friend!
Girl do you thing! I stopped being religious a long time ago because in the name of religion so many innocent people die everyday.. and that is not right particularly innocent children. As a child of war myself, I know to well the suffering. As long as you are not breaking the lol and the purpose of our major is to be accepting of others choices and live a long healthy life.. and sex is natural .. so I do not get what is the big deal today. People seriously have too much time on their hands. More power to you!!!!!!!!!! <3
I think that each couple should decide and do what is right for them. I could go off on a whole soap-box about judgemental people (very often at churches) but I won’t do that here. I’m glad that y’all don’t have to live 6 hours apart!!!
And, for the record – I’m pretty sure that Adam and Eve were never married in a traditional way!!!
Ohh Adam and Eve…good point!!
I think that each couple should decide and do what is right for them. I could go off on a whole soap-box about judgemental people (very often at churches) but I won’t do that here. I’m glad that y’all don’t have to live 6 hours apart!!!
And, for the record – I’m pretty sure that Adam and Eve were never married in a traditional way!!!
well, i did not live with my husband before marriage. Too much temptation. We wanted to wait. But we also got married within the year. Here’s the thing. I see marriage as a covenant, a special bond between God, Woman, and Man. That’s special. Today society doesn’t view marriage that way. It’s more of a want or desire, not a gift. Same with religion. It’s a gift and a relationship, not a practice. That’s where i stand. I Know that God uses us and teaches us in HIS own way. So what you do now is your choice. Keep praying, stay close to HIM, and He will guide your paths.. all paths. Even marriage.
Ha, do i sound confusing or what? LOL!
Thank you so much for your honest comment friend! I agree marriage is special! Not something to be taken lightly!
Thank you so much for your comment friend. I agree marriage IS special.
YES — this makes so much sense, and I think you hit the nail on the head as to why I typically have a problem with religion. So many people (present company / commenters excluded) are “religious” — typically it’s those people who are quick to judge others based on “what the bible says”. But do those people live according to God’s word, or God’s plan? No, not usually. They go through the motions and go to church on Sunday, but never really, truly, believe. I’m still unsure what I believe, but I refuse to be one of those people who isn’t sure and goes through the motions in a hypocritical manner. I’d rather just be a person and try to do good things and hope that’s what it’s all about.
Also, I think you’re right about how our society views marriage. They don’t see the marriage. They see the wedding. I think that we’ve gotten so wrapped up with this wedding business that marriage (or, let’s be honest, the wedding) has become this big, blown-out thing that is impossible to tackle until you’re at the right place financially, rather then when you’re at the right place in your relationship (or the right place spiritually if that applies).
Personally, I’ve lived with boys for 10 years. The first few years were when I lived with friends, and that’s all it was — friends/roommates. Then I moved in with my college boyfriend. The reason we did that is because I didn’t have anybody else to live with (all of my friends moved away b/c we graduated college) and because I could not afford a 1-bedroom apartment (the 2-bedroom was half the price). We didn’t know if we were going to get married, and we obviously didn’t. I don’t regret living with him because I learned an awful lot about myself, and about what I would want out of a marriage/partner. I now have lived with Mark for nearly the entirety of our relationship (almost 4 years), and I knew then, and know now, that I want to marry him. I knew that probably before we were living together. I think we would have worked just fine either way, but the reason we are living together is just because it works best for us. We split the bill on everything because financially that is how we can get by (college towns are stupidly expensive), and it made sense to have one place instead of two especially with our dog because he is finicky and needs extra care (esp. now with the back injury).
Anyway, that’s a long comment, but the point is do the thing that you think is RIGHT (or know is right in your heart) and what works for you. You, (God since that’s what you believe), and Dave are the only ones that know if this is the right decision for you, and whether or not somebody else agrees isn’t the point. Just be happy!
Yes that’s what gets to me the most in churches…the fakeness. Yes, some people really are doing their best and have found a place of peace so they are just radiant and happy, but some are just plain fake.
And although a pretty wedding sounds cool…I’ve never been the one who’s planned the wedding since she was a little girl. Give me the piece of paper to sign and a small group of friends and family and I will be good!!
Thank you so much for your support Calee! <3 <3
well, i did not live with my husband before marriage. Too much temptation. We wanted to wait. But we also got married within the year. Here’s the thing. I see marriage as a covenant, a special bond between God, Woman, and Man. That’s special. Today society doesn’t view marriage that way. It’s more of a want or desire, not a gift. Same with religion. It’s a gift and a relationship, not a practice. That’s where i stand. I Know that God uses us and teaches us in HIS own way. So what you do now is your choice. Keep praying, stay close to HIM, and He will guide your paths.. all paths. Even marriage.
Ha, do i sound confusing or what? LOL!
Ohh Adam and Eve…good point!!
I do agree that certain religion or overzealous religion can harm others and even start wars. It really is SO SAD!
Thanks for the comment, friend!
I really do dislike fakeness in the church. There’s a statistic out there that 90 percent of people sleep together before marriage and 80 percent of Christians ADMIT to it! Why does everyone have to pretend like it’s not happening? I know there’s the opposite spectrum where people choose to sleep all around and don’t value that kind of relationship…but I don’t think talking about it and being honest will make it any worse!
Thanks for your comment! Love the name “running peanut” 🙂
Thank you so much for your honest comment friend! I agree marriage is special! Not something to be taken lightly!
Thank you so much for your comment friend. I agree marriage IS special.
YES — this makes so much sense, and I think you hit the nail on the head as to why I typically have a problem with religion. So many people (present company / commenters excluded) are “religious” — typically it’s those people who are quick to judge others based on “what the bible says”. But do those people live according to God’s word, or God’s plan? No, not usually. They go through the motions and go to church on Sunday, but never really, truly, believe. I’m still unsure what I believe, but I refuse to be one of those people who isn’t sure and goes through the motions in a hypocritical manner. I’d rather just be a person and try to do good things and hope that’s what it’s all about.
Also, I think you’re right about how our society views marriage. They don’t see the marriage. They see the wedding. I think that we’ve gotten so wrapped up with this wedding business that marriage (or, let’s be honest, the wedding) has become this big, blown-out thing that is impossible to tackle until you’re at the right place financially, rather then when you’re at the right place in your relationship (or the right place spiritually if that applies).
Personally, I’ve lived with boys for 10 years. The first few years were when I lived with friends, and that’s all it was — friends/roommates. Then I moved in with my college boyfriend. The reason we did that is because I didn’t have anybody else to live with (all of my friends moved away b/c we graduated college) and because I could not afford a 1-bedroom apartment (the 2-bedroom was half the price). We didn’t know if we were going to get married, and we obviously didn’t. I don’t regret living with him because I learned an awful lot about myself, and about what I would want out of a marriage/partner. I now have lived with Mark for nearly the entirety of our relationship (almost 4 years), and I knew then, and know now, that I want to marry him. I knew that probably before we were living together. I think we would have worked just fine either way, but the reason we are living together is just because it works best for us. We split the bill on everything because financially that is how we can get by (college towns are stupidly expensive), and it made sense to have one place instead of two especially with our dog because he is finicky and needs extra care (esp. now with the back injury).
Anyway, that’s a long comment, but the point is do the thing that you think is RIGHT (or know is right in your heart) and what works for you. You, (God since that’s what you believe), and Dave are the only ones that know if this is the right decision for you, and whether or not somebody else agrees isn’t the point. Just be happy!
Also, I have to say that I think this is one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written. I’m glad that you addressed this publicly because I think you needed some additional support.
Thank you, I do think I needed that little bit of reassurance. For a couple of days it was hard for me to separate religion from logic, my feelings and God. And tough to try to not care what other people think!
Also, I have to say that I think this is one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written. I’m glad that you addressed this publicly because I think you needed some additional support.
Yes that’s what gets to me the most in churches…the fakeness. Yes, some people really are doing their best and have found a place of peace so they are just radiant and happy, but some are just plain fake.
And although a pretty wedding sounds cool…I’ve never been the one who’s planned the wedding since she was a little girl. Give me the piece of paper to sign and a small group of friends and family and I will be good!!
Thank you so much for your support Calee! <3 <3
Thank you, I do think I needed that little bit of reassurance. For a couple of days it was hard for me to separate religion from logic, my feelings and God. And tough to try to not care what other people think!
A very interesting post. I’ve always believed that it *might* be for the best for a couple that loves each other and plans on getting married to try living together before marrying, just to make sure. I would think living together and then breaking up (totally not saying this about you or anyone I know – just hypothetically!) is better than marrying and then divorcing because it doesn’t work out.
Congrats on the move, I hope everything goes fantastically! 🙂
Thanks and I agree…it is definitely worse to get divorced than to break up!
Thanks and I agree…it is definitely worse to get divorced than to break up!
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Could I respectfully ask for you to explain something that I do not understand?
First, I completely agree that you can be moral while living with someone of the opposite sex before marriage. I am happily living with my own long term boyfriend now. However, I do not understand the concept of believing in the bible but noting that some parts do not apply to modern life. Doesn’t having humans choose which parts come from a higher power lessen their spiritual impact? I do not fully understand the logic of believing that the bible comes from a higher power and simultaneously choosing parts that are antiquated.
Please note that I am coming from a place of respect and am genuinely curious to understand your viewpoint.
Definitely a tricky question. I haven’t fully formed my opinion on that and I think faith is something that is ever changing as we grow/get older/experience more.
I feel like some parts of the bible were directed at a certain population or really can only apply during that time period. A lot of the bible is letters written to certain groups of people, for example, who were dealing with specific problems. This does NOT mean that those letters weren’t directed by God. There are very distinct concepts that do not apply to today (I listed a couple in this post..such as owning slaves) and those that will never change (love your neighbor for example). I think the bible is in existence so that we can grasp the general concepts and apply them to our life. The 10 commandments, for example, is a good place to start.
I am no expert, nor will I say that I am 100% right on anything, but this is what I personally believe.
Could I respectfully ask for you to explain something that I do not understand?
First, I completely agree that you can be moral while living with someone of the opposite sex before marriage. I am happily living with my own long term boyfriend now. However, I do not understand the concept of believing in the bible but noting that some parts do not apply to modern life. Doesn’t having humans choose which parts come from a higher power lessen their spiritual impact? I do not fully understand the logic of believing that the bible comes from a higher power and simultaneously choosing parts that are antiquated.
Please note that I am coming from a place of respect and am genuinely curious to understand your viewpoint.
Definitely a tricky question. I haven’t fully formed my opinion on that and I think faith is something that is ever changing as we grow/get older/experience more.
I feel like some parts of the bible were directed at a certain population or really can only apply during that time period. A lot of the bible is letters written to certain groups of people, for example, who were dealing with specific problems. This does NOT mean that those letters weren’t directed by God. There are very distinct concepts that do not apply to today (I listed a couple in this post..such as owning slaves) and those that will never change (love your neighbor for example). I think the bible is in existence so that we can grasp the general concepts and apply them to our life. The 10 commandments, for example, is a good place to start.
I am no expert, nor will I say that I am 100% right on anything, but this is what I personally believe.